Wednesday, February 21, 2007

moving on up

I liked the looks of wordpress. I"m going there...

www.lionessden.wordpress.com

see you there.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

huh, now that's a thought.

For a long time J. and I have tossed around the idea of babies. How does that look? How does that feel? What does that look like? We've both been very unsure what that would actually look like. We've both waffled between wanting to have babies and not. We've thought a lot about what being parents means. We've talked about the options and what each one feels like. I have bum ovaries and having babies that way would be a tough road, I'm thinking. But it's not impossible. It can be done. It can't be done right now, but it can be done. His mom brought up that one of his brothers might be willing to donate. He's not blood related but a child that J's dad raised from early childhood. He is family. He is J's brother. His mom was really for the idea. She really thought that G. would be willing. I've kept it in the back of my mind for a while. And then, this morning at breakfast, J started talking about baby names. We did that for a while and then moved on. We spent the day at the Natural History Museum and walking all over town. It was a great day. We came home and I was doing the dishes and I decided to ask him how he felt about it. Although he's adamant about it being mostly my decision to get pregnant, he's more for that route than any other. He would like to avoid being the giant-tranny-under-the-microscope should we ever have a homestudy done. If we do insemination then he's just my baby's daddy. And that's just fine by me.

It was the first time we've talked about this subject that it didn't feel one-sided. It was the first time that it felt real and do-able. There are a lot of things that need to be considered and it's not something I'm about to jump into. But I am going to talk with one of my favorite NPs at work to see what her recommendations are. I'm on a weight-loss program and I'm excited to have a great goal. If it works, it works. If it doesn't then that's ok too. I don't want to have this become my life. I am very opposed to being on fertility drugs. I'm very opposed to having a litter of kids. But I'm willing to give this a shot. We'll see. This could change but for now it's a pretty cool idea.

Just some things we've been tossing around.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

things is good.

I got the job.

Joe has a sugery date.

I've worked out four out of 6 days this week.

I have lost 4 pounds.

I can't complain. Things is good.

Monday, February 12, 2007

I have held to you dearly...

I have a date with Ed. He's a personal trainer. We joined the YMCA on Sunday. I'm pretty excited about it. It's affordable, close by and I'm ready to make some changes. This is evidenced by the half a sleeve of crackers I just ate without once stopping to think that I shouldn't. Ahh, I love my relationship with food. It's so cozy.

J. and I did a budget this weekend. One that includes a savings plan that allows for top surgery in 18 months or less. He came to me and told me that things are getting worse for him. It's getting harder and harder for him to have his chest as it is. I told him it was a priority and that we could figure out a way to make it happen. I could get a second job...I could work the corner...he could, too. With some encouragement from me and some intensive talking we decided that it could be done. It's been a pipe dream for him for so long now that I don't think this feels real to him.

And since this is my blog and talking about how I feel about things is my goal...I'll tell you how I feel about top surgery. I'm all for it. And it makes me sad. I have loved this man's body as it is since day one. He's so strong and beautiful. It's hard to think of his body looking different or feeling different. I can't imagine it. I have 18 months to figure it all out but for now I'm just going to sit with the little bit of sadness that I have. Also on my list of feelings about surgery is fear. I absolutely cannot think about him under anesthesia. I cannot think about him hurting. He wants to do this in San Fran...being in a different city without the love and support of our friends and my family is hard to imagine. Being his sole caretaker is a scary endeavor. My suggestion was Massachusetts so that he could stay at my parents' house for free and with a nurse (my mom) on call 24/7. He liked that idea until a few hours ago when he text messaged me and told me he had chosen San Fran. I'm sure we'll talk about it. It's his body. He gets to decide. It's not my choice. That's a hard pill to swallow but it's true. This is his gig. I'm just there to make sure he can get up to pee.

This is scary to think about. If it means that J. will be able to walk freely on this earth then I'm all for it. It's just scary and new. I wish there was a different way to make it happen...you know, like a magic wand or some fairy dust? Realistic things...

Friday, February 09, 2007

I should be whispering

I got the call back for a second interview today. I'm really happy about it. I'm glad to be thinking about moving up in this organization. I have to do a 10 -15 minute presentation about birth control...I think I can handle it. I need to be thoughtful about how I do this presentation. The Vice President of Education and Outreach will be there. It's a bit nerve wracking but I'm fairly excited about it. I haven't taught in almost three years. I am excited to get back to it. Even 10 to 15 minutes will be a good change.

I have been in a funk for the last few weeks. I haven't been in touch with anyone really. J. and I talked for real the other night. He was sure I was going to tell him I was leaving. He was surely wrong. I was in a funk. I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel about living here and being so far away from home. The people at home solve the problem by telling me to come home and the people here tell me to stay. He's not objective because well...because. I had a not so gentle reminder about the fact that although I am miserable I haven't done anything to make it different. That was really hard to hear but it is true. There is a part of me that doesn't want to...that might make this a more permanent thing than I want it to be. He's a smart man and one of the few who have the ability to call me on my shit. And did he ever. The message is clear...I got it. I need to make this my home. I'm going to be here for a while. There is a list of reasons why I moved here and why he didn't move east. I need to honor those reasons and stick this out. I need to do more than that actually. I need to make this a livable and positive situation.

I just found out that one of my best friend's memere is very sick. It broke my heart to hear him so upset. I wish that I could do more than say, "I'm sorry." Why, at times when it is so important to be able to communicate one's love, is it so damn hard to find anything to say? I love this man so much and have for so long. I would do anything for him...and the only thing I wanted to do was comfort him and I couldn't. When he and I were dating I got to meet her. She's such a special woman. She was the only one who was able to love him and see him through. She was a parent to him when his parents couldn't step up to the plate. She's seen him though transition and supported him completely. The night I met her I told her, "He loves you so much." She said back without any hesitation or thought, "I love him so much, too." They have a very special bond, one that has been tried and tested and it has withstood both.

I remember loosing my Nanny...it's such a strange thing to lose a loved one. Nan was a hoot. She was sharp-tongued and quick-witted. She was so many things and it's so strange that she's gone. I miss her more now than I ever did living so far away from her. There was always time to see her again; it was easy to put making the trip to see her off. Then she was at the nursing home and she didn't know who anyone was. I was scared shitless of seeing her like that. And I didn't. And I should have. It's easy to think that regret won't be yours, and until it is, it's impossible to understand it's undeniable weight. It's so much easier to say 'I'll do it later' than it is it say 'I wish I had done that'. It's just easier to do it. There aren't many things in my life that I regret. One of those things is not making more time to be a grand-daughter to my Nan.

Today's post is apparently brought to you by Hallmark.

Oh Oh Oh...I got to hold a little tiny tiny little baby today. He was only 8 weeks old. His Momma was getting an IUD inserted today. He was like a flower blossom. He was all tightly curled into himself. Little fists, little face, little feet all tucked into my chest while he slept. He has the snarfily little-man breathing. God and Jesus I almost melted. There isn't anything like those first few months, is there? The softness and stillness and then the ungodly chaos...I want that so much.

Ok. The End.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

just because you lie in his bed

I just got home from an interview. It went really, really, well. I think, if I play my cards right, I might have a shot at it. I'm not going to talk a lot about it. I don't want to jinx it. I would be working with a great woman, doing great training and facilitation within the organization. It would also be a big pay increase. But I don't want to jinx it. I need to think positively, and put it out to the universe that I would be grateful for it, but I am not thinking that the job is mine. So, quite out of character, I'm not saying another word on that. Just keep your fingers crossed that a second interview comes my way.

Being back here has been a challenge this week. I've been trying to keep my chin up and remember why it is that I chose to be here. I chose it. It's been a harder transition than I had thought it would be. Everytime I go home it gets harder and harder to come back. My heart goes out to J. who is being very patient and good with me. I feel badly that I'm not as engaged as I was before I left. I keep thinking about the time I'm missing with the boys and with my friends and family. I keep thinking that I should be there. I wonder how I'll be able to form a long-lasting, trusting relationship with Ben and David while being this far away. I wonder how long it will be before SBJ doesn't know who I am. How do I maintain a wonderful best friendship from 2,700 miles away? What about S? Does he know that I miss him every day? It used to be that week couldn't go by without us getting together. Maybe I'm just codepedent. Maybe I'm not cut out for living without my family and friends all circled around me.

I feel like if I had some idea of a timeline I'd be able to be here and be engaged and interested. If I knew that, for example, I'd be financially stable enough to think about adoption or marriage or buying a house or...something...I'd be excited to be here. But I'm not excited about continuing on in my job simply because I need to have a job. I'm not excited about watching each day end only to know that one just like it will appear in 12 hours. Is it selfish to want all of the above? Is it selfish to want to be a mom and a wife? Lately, I feel like it is. I feel like I'm pushing for something that isn't mine to have. I feel like the universe is sending me a message that I need to be patient and to just watch things unfold. I'm not loving this message. I want things to happen. Happen, damn it. I feel anxious and irritable. I feel sad and lonely.

I wonder if people can see it. I wonder if the lady behind the counter at Starbucks can see it in my eyes. It's called desperation. Can she see how starved I am for some connection? Does it scare her off? Am I that creepy lady who asks too cheerfully for a Grande coffee with room for cream? Am I the woman in line at the grocery store who calls the clerk by name because right then knowing anyone's name is a gift? Am I the woman who made you look askance because as I passed by, I said hello just because it just feels nice to say something, anything? I may be.

I have some sadness that I need to tease out and figure out. Where is it coming from? Why is this so hard? Other people move away from thier families and don't have this kind of loss and grief. I guess this is another prime example of how I'm not other people. I can hear my mom's voice in my head..."you're not like other people." That has usually turned out to be a wonderful blessing.

I tried to talk to J. about this last night. He thinks I'm just going to tell him that I'm going home. I wonder if he'd come. I honestly don't know if he would. That feels really scary to me and is part of the reason I haven't seriously brought up the subject. I'm not sure if he'd come. I'm not sure I could hear him say that. I tried to figure out where he was at with it last night by telling him that I was in this relationship for the long-term and that if I was thinking about moving home there would be enormous conversation about it first. And he'd have to be on board. It's not going to happen anytime soon no matter what kind of conversation we have about it. I just wonder if he would come.

Well, there you have it, folks. It's another fantastically pathetic post. You're welcome.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

the sky is just a little sister

I'm back in Denver. I miss home so much right now that I can't really formulate words. I have this empty ache in my belly that has been filled with little boy's giggles and tickles and stories. I have an empty place in my heart where my Dad fits and my sister. I feel like a shell tonight. Empty where E. and J. and S. and SBJ filled me up for the short time I was home. I hate this part. I get all excited for going home...as though I'll really be going home for good. And then I have to get back on that plane and come back.

I need more than this. I need my family and my friends. I need to see those little boys every day, not once every three months for a few days. They are my heart. I know this will get easier but for tonight, tonight I'm just so sad and empty and lonely.

The pathetic end.